Trick's Ranting Journal

Allow me to say that I am not ranting. I had no where else to put this since there is no proper place. I hope that you all read it through, for there are many things I have to say. I have had it proof read by a neutral party and I feel that with that in place, it is good enough.

If I could say that I was sorry a thousand and one times, make that infinite times, I doubt it would erase my mistakes. I sit here, typing in the dark with my heart beating out of my chest and the yellow-bellied, cowardly cunt that I am. I never expected to cherish people I barely know like this. And perhaps if I had, I would realize that I had it good. I had it great and I destroyed that.

If I could find a reason besides pretense for my lying, it would be that I have things to hide, dirty bits of the truth that I am too shameful to admit. When I said I would be more honest, I did try, but a dark past and a filthy habit kept blocking my path. I did do my best, despite those. No one said it would be easy and I never expected it to be.

When it was said that I didn't call anyone to check if they were okay, I know I should have. I had picked up the phone plenty of times, but the fear of the truth, that people would be gone, dead even, forced me to put it down. I think if I lost anyone, I wouldn't be able to bear it. I was a fool for not checking on anyone, and it was a selfish act. Because I said I didn't, it didn't mean I didn't consider it. I had. But, considering and acting are two different things. Had I acted, I would have known a lot faster if everything was okay. But, I didn't. For that, I am sorry.

My aggressive behavior is out of line. I know that, and I have been known to push people away. It does not excuse my actions, and I have to pay for my mistakes. To relate to it, when I fight with my mother, these are the feelings I feel: useless, enraged, afraid, hurt, and broken. I am sure they were in play when I abused people in real life. I doubt any sorry I have could erase the pain both physically and mentally.

I never mean to "play favorites" with friends. Perhaps I feel more comfortable around some than others, and it is never right. I should have/be cherishing everyone I have because I never know when they'll leave, or if they already had.

I also have to address my namecalling. Especially when it comes to the words "stupid" and "dumbass". I should not be calling anyone by those but myself. I don't even know where to truly begin with my apologies here. No one can erase verbal abuse, though I wish I could. I just want to make it all okay, but because of this, I cannot.

My cowardliness, I know I have to apologize for this. I am nothing but a coward to bring in those not involved. I should, and have to be, strong enough to stand on my own despite what goes on. That doesn't mean I should always play the defensive and the "pity me" cards, because it only proves the point I am worth nothing.

My drama is out of line as well. I have said before that I do, and should, type everything out and delete it when upset. I should have done this more often instead of bringing it out in the open. Perhaps if I never brought my issues out into the open, then nothing would have happened this way, or at all.

There is so much more I should apologize for, but I probably should do it in person. My greed, my envy, my selfishness, and all those other things that make me a pathetic, worthless nothing are things I should say in person, if I can ever get the words right. I have time and time again made mistakes. I have gone too far time and time again. Now, I am paying the price and I am hating every second of it.

If I had a drop of blood in my body for each mistake, each lie, each bit of drama--I'd be out of blood. This is not for pity, this is for the open truth that comes from my heart. Do I expect forgiveness? No. Do I expect respect? No, I don't deserve that either.So, what do I want out of all this? I want a clean slate.

I know it won't happen completely after all I have done. I made too much for there to be nothing remembered. Not everything can be forgotten. Not now, and probably not ever. I can't say how much I regret every little mistake every single time. From the small white lie to the full out war over my bullshit.

I only wish that one day there will be a fresh start.

That's all I have to say on here. If this is accepted as an apology, even in the slightest, I will continue on to the real life apologies but, I only want to know there is some hope before I do so.

Thank you.